TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically noted for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully out of put. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Sure, positive, let us have A different location exactly where American men can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: provide All people a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he should really end utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a aspect staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not only hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Baffling Options


Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting interest from international buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will likely include:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD might have change-down company."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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